A few years ago during the depths of my depression and anxiety, a friend asked me how depression felt. She could not fathom how someone could be sad and not happy. Sadly, depression is not just sadness. It is not just a fleeting emotion, it becomes embedded in you and manifests physically. It drags you down like an anchor. Imagine being out in the calm sea with weights on your ankle, you will be pulled under, now imagine trying to swim with these weights during a storm. These weights are a part of you, you can’t just get rid of them, just like you can’t snap out of depression. My depression, although not as prominent, has left me with the side effect of anxiety. Over time I found the strength to talk about my feelings openly and ground myself during moments of raging emotions. I learnt to distinguish between my brain and mind. Mental health becomes an internal war physicality of the chemical imbalance, memories and pathways in one’s brain and how the mind would like to precieve things. I remember my mind not wanting to be depressed, I was constantly fighting thoughts, memories and emotions. So on this day to anyone at war internally, I say “Keep fighting the good fight.” the beautiful content and calm is worth it.
Below you will find my attempt at explaining the inner workings of my brain during the depths of my depression all those years ago:
Written material distorts,
Only deciphered by a shaken voice.
Visionary foresaw the bitter fall.
By lost moments.
Clouded by hearsay.
Asphyxiate common sense.
Reflective of the current soul.
Conduct character assassination.
Nails embed skin.
To be skinned alive,
Never felt more naked.
Everything becomes a weapon.
Tear oneself to pieces.
In hope of dismantling the sadness.
Welcomed with open arms,
If it ensures escape from this prison.
They remind you of the punishment.
The grave will not be easy.
But unknown seems better than present infliction.
I call out.
I don’t want these thoughts.
I don’t want to be like this.
My soul made murky by the chemical imbalance.
A sound human.
Helping others to heal.
But unable to heal her own trauma.
I am more powerful than this.
Always have been.
An addiction to helplessness.
A fool eclipsed my first aid.
There is no hero.
No one will come to save you.
But the faint whispers – call you back.
With all your might, block the sounds of others.
And it will amplify.
It will banish the darkness of one’s soul.
And reignite it with renewed light.
You will live pondering;
“How stupid must I be, to attempt to take away my greatest gift – life?”
Until next time.
Recall this rebellion.