Self Respect

Somewhere along the line I lost respect for myself. It no longer mattered who I wanted to be, how I pictured myself. It only mattered how I was to others, how I could distort my pieces to fit the jigsaw of others.

What happened? Why did I find it difficult to be outside social norms… These norms have changed to be unhealthy for the soul and fuel it with dark energy. Certain habits have become a fixature in society and rather than combating them, they are celebrated. It’s easy to blame society when you are ignorant. But expanding your mind beyond the four walls of education and the two sighted vision, is where elevate your thinking. You learn what it is to be human. And you can no longer blame society. I still have a lot to learn but in some aspects I am no longer ignorant. Therefore I cannot say I simply do not know.

Align yourself to be different, to feel comfortable to go against the grain. Acknowledge that knot in your stomach – telling you this isn’t right. Don’t ignore that inner voice, it’s trying to makesure your actions are parallel to your soul – ensuring you are both heading in the same direction. Listening to the inner voice, being comfortable with your decisions and actions despite what others say is a large component of self love. Love starts with respect so only by respecting ourselves are we able to begin that transition to love.

Happy Fridays folks I wrote this piece in 7th August 2015, when I started my journey of self-discovery. Now I am prou to go against the grain. Be a spark by being you – it shines better.

Escaping self doubt,

Shahe

Cleanse

I wrote this on the 24th August 2015. Alot of my work during 2013 to about 2015 were heavily influenced by Islam. The poetry and written pieces from those years were my discovery years, the years I spent soul searching and falling in love with Islam. I am surprised I never I posted it. One thing I have learnt over the years I have been on this earth is the power of prayer. I have seen it change the impossible. For me religion is an integral part of my life. Spending time repenting past sins, renewing and reviving my inner Eemaan. That has been a long journey and one I am still on. Your Eemaan will always fluctuate but ain’t it beautiful when you feel the yearn to fix up, be a better a you and that is Allah calling you back. Calling you back to him. Unconditional love.

Jummah Mubarak

Shahe

F*** It

Some days you just need to say: fuck it, let’s have it.

A conversation and invasive questions led to an conclusion, that this life we live works in mysterious ways and I truly believe, every individual you meet changes you – they are sent as a push, a guidance in your life. And that is exactly what happened tonight. I’ve spent an awful lot of time being confused and misdirected. Always trying to work out my next move, like it’s a game of chess. As if my moves are numbered. Only one path to checkmate. But what if I flip the table scatter the pieces, do the moves not become infinite and unpredictable? That is exactly what I need to do. I realised, I finally did it, I came to the resolution that I don’t need to know the future outcomes, I just need to make decisions for now that align with me – bring me comfort and joy. Life will always unwind as intended and no matter what route you take it will always drop you at the same destination. Much like an uber. Your pockets might be lighter, but your experiences won’t be.

I started looking through my saved posts and realised I had a lot of content which I never posted, so my new found “Fuck it, let’s have it” attitude reminded me that I shouldn’t deprive myself of linguistic art. Some pieces are better than others, some are just plain horrible. But it’s time to lift the filter. I started this blog as a form of expression. So I’ve decided to become unfiltered and post everything in my Evernote account, whilst I work on new material. I have never questions my writing, it is the single thing in my life that I am certain about and it is the one thing I enjoy sharing. If you like anything I write, please share it and if you don’t than comment on it. Maybe I can work on it.

For now “Fuck it, let’s have it”.

Freedom and unfiltered,

Shahe

Farewell Autumn

About to bid farewell to Autumn, where my heart resides awaiting a reset every year. There was a time where I thought sadness ended with a full stop. No continuation, just the end. Until I noticed the seasons on repeat. Year after year, same process but a different renewal. It was autumn which prepped the vessels for the cold winter, it prepared for the gentle cleanse, so by spring nature is born again. Revitalised. Renewed. Recovered.

Whilst early nights frighten some, I enjoy basking in the darkness as the city lights sparkle and create magic amongst the stars. I could walk hours aimlessly in the night with my head in the air. Lost in the fog and sparkle, as if the drama of the day settles and the pressure of life creates diamonds. The beauty of living is the daily reset, and if you choose to listen to the sun’s greeting you will forget the qualms of yesterday, to immerse yourself in today. The cold breeze takes away the senses and the numbness allows a shift in focus. Where I have bad days, I choose to renew myself, shed my leaves and begin tomorrow a fresh. When the depression was at it’s peak this was something I was incapable of doing. I suppose now the fear of returning to a dark place pushes the soul to move and not recede in the ventures of yesterday.

Just as the trees do not beg the leaves to stay, we should not beg what was, use to be and could’ve been to stay. The leaves like moments become golden and bid farewell. Having shaped the tree through the year, they leave their imprint in it’s growth. Now the trunk is taller and the branches more stretched.

The moments I cherish the most is when the trees are semi naked; where some memories are difficult to shed. But the beauty is allowing another person to dance amongst the fallen moments, kicking them in the air. The sun can now finally invigorate even the darkest corners of our mind. Autumn is letting go. It is the first step to change and to a better you. By letting go you can focus your energy on your regrowth. Being completely bare allows us to see our true self and evaluate how we will like to grow. So by spring we are growing and by summer we are glowing. The metamorphose is what attracts the people and elevates our contentness. It’s not always possible to foresee the potential resultant of being stripped bare but the process is worth the struggles of letting go. It can be painful and difficult to confront depths of your soul and the voices that hold us back, but it always leaves us stronger. The vulnerability of being bare, induces a confidence to love not only the good but also the reflection of bad within us. Embracing the change and growth allows us to become more certain of ourselves and expand the self-love. There is a beauty in witnessing the change of colour, shedding of leaves and cooling of the season’s temperament. Almost magical and very much like the changes a person goes through before growth. Until we widen our horizons outstretch and look beyond our immediate vision it will be near impossible to appreciate the beauty of our change.

So they ask me why do you love autumn, the onset of cold? Simple – it’s the beginning of a better me, a more content me. The cold offset by the warm tones of fallen leaves and rich sunsets, mimic the years worth of memory embodied in the wealth of gold. Appreciation of the sun-rays warmth remind us despite the cold, light is never too far to comfort the soul and warm the darkest corners of our mind. Autumn with your rich colours and hidden beauty I bid you farewell until next year.

Much love,

Shahe

Musk of Time

Musky night sky,
With the lingering smell of yesterday,
And the perfumed scent of tomorrow.
The wrongs of days passed,
Will be the rights of days to come.
Lest we waste the time of the past on the condolences of the future.
Be today; to be alive.
Be the seconds; for they are minutes.
Adding richness to the hours.
Becoming the daily chapters.
With ownership – Lead your life.
With remembrance – He never promised tomorrow.
With Sabr – Believe in the greater plan.
With eemaan – Illuminate your darkness.
With eyes – Lower in humility.
With tongue – Be wary of it’s evil and keep Dhikr alive.
With hands – Help. Always help.
With heart – Give. Always give.
With love – Find your way back.
Unlock the shackles,
Let a new book begins.

2019: I resolve to be present. Every year has been a welcomed recovery and discovery of self-love, and this year will be no different. Wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

New year, better me.

Shahe

Sneak Peak: Musk of Time

Rediscovering old pieces serve as a reminder of the journey taken to reclaim sanity. Some days I feel it slipping; the cold and isolation navigate back to dense clouds of self loathing. But memories of overcoming become beacons in this fog. Beeping in the distance, each flash banishing the shadows long enough to remember who you are without the damaging thoughts. But the beacons are powered by our willingness to recall our wins over losses. And to escape the fog requires movement, letting go of the past and to keep walking even when the end is not in sight. Know if you are stuggling, shout for help and do not hide in the fog. Being honest and never ashamed of our feelings is the first step to acceptance. This will diminish depression’s powerful grip.

Settle camp in the present and do not let the regrets of yesterday form the apologies of tomorrow.

Peace and love.

Sobriety

Poem by Shahe

An act of self love is trusting oneself with making decisions without the validation of others. Our hesitancy to make a move because we are afraid to make the wrong decision can be our biggest hindrance. Fear is difficult to erase without it we would be reckless, but it can stop our elevation.

There is a inner voice which speaks from the soul. As a child it was our best friend but as you get older it becomes drowned out and you become addicted to the voices of others instead of your own. So I vow to empower my inner voice and abstain from seeking approvals of my decisions. And possibly this will rattle the shackles of angst and allow me to elevate.

Uplifting clouds and gentle breeze,

Shahe

#WorldMentalHealthDay

A few years ago during the depths of my depression and anxiety, a friend asked me how depression felt. She could not fathom how someone could be sad and not happy. Sadly, depression is not just sadness. It is not just a fleeting emotion, it becomes embedded in you and manifests physically. It drags you down like an anchor. Imagine being out in the calm sea with weights on your ankle, you will be pulled under, now imagine trying to swim with these weights during a storm. These weights are a part of you, you can’t just get rid of them, just like you can’t snap out of depression. My depression, although not as prominent, has left me with the side effect of anxiety. Over time I found the strength to talk about my feelings openly and ground myself during moments of raging emotions. I learnt to distinguish between my brain and mind. Mental health becomes an internal war physicality of the chemical imbalance, memories and pathways in one’s brain and how the mind would like to precieve things. I remember my mind not wanting to be depressed, I was constantly fighting thoughts, memories and emotions. So on this day to anyone at war internally, I say “Keep fighting the good fight.” the beautiful content and calm is worth it.

Below you will find my attempt at explaining the inner workings of my brain during the depths of my depression all those years ago:

Part I

Breathless.
Stolen air.
Hands quiver.
Written material distorts,
Only deciphered by a shaken voice.
Pain.
Chest tightens.
Visionary foresaw the bitter fall.

Captivated;
By lost moments.
Thoughts;
Clouded by hearsay.
Doubts;
Asphyxiate common sense.
Self hate;
Reflective of the current soul.
Secondary voices;
Conduct character assassination.
Nails embed skin.
To be skinned alive,
Never felt more naked.
Exposed;
Everything becomes a weapon.
Tear oneself to pieces.
In hope of dismantling the sadness.
Death;
Welcomed with open arms,
If it ensures escape from this prison.

They remind you of the punishment.
The grave will not be easy.
But unknown seems better than present infliction.

I call out.
I ask.
I beg.
I don’t want these thoughts.
I don’t want to be like this.
No willingness.
My soul made murky by the chemical imbalance.

Part II

A sound human.
Helping others to heal.
But unable to heal her own trauma.

I beg.
I ask.
I call.
I am more powerful than this.
Always have been.
An addiction to helplessness.
A fool eclipsed my first aid.
There is no hero.
No one will come to save you.
But the faint whispers – call you back.
Listen.
Focus.
With all your might, block the sounds of others.
And it will amplify.
It will banish the darkness of one’s soul.
And reignite it with renewed light.
You will live pondering;
“How stupid must I be, to attempt to take away my greatest gift – life?”
Until next time.
Recall this rebellion.